You might be wondering what exactly this is about. Let me tell you (if you already know, just jump right ahead): Even though you might THINK Facebook is „just“ a social network – it’s actually THE social network, which means that pretty much everyone you’ve ever known uses it and notices the stuff you’re doing online (online-activities are reduced to Facebook, shopping and news, a.k.a. Perezhilton.com for most people). We’re talking about guys you went to school with, teachers, coworkers and if you’re from the States, chances are pretty high that you’ll even find you’re grandma on Facebook as well.

Sharing your life with all of these people can lead to embarrassing situations, family conflicts, and has, in the short history of Facebook, led to countless break-ups.

Therefore, I developed a couple of simple guidelines that should help make life a lot easier for you. And for me, of course, assuming we were friends online. That is NOT an invitation to look for me on Facebook (you won’t find me, and yes, you can set your settings like that and choose which part of your profile visitors can see). These guidelines are totally subjective and their only purpose is to keep you in my news feed or even better: list of friends. And they’re especially for my German friends, since they seem to have particular difficulties with Facebook.

1.    Think Facebook!

Draw blood out of your private data’s arm, sign a devil’s agreement and never talk about selling yourself to Zuckerberg again.

Of course I dislike the idea of my personal information being floated around the net by some corporate capitalist, a monopolist on top of that.

But as soon as you register on Facebook, you’re on their map. And you won’t ever get off it, even if you manage to succeed in the challenge of deleting your account. Everybody knows that. Facebook probably even knows who you are before you register, thanks to your stupid friends using the friend finder or synchronizing the address books of their mobiles with Facebook (see #4 “Your friends” for details on that).

Registering on Facebook is signing a pact with the data devil. Come to terms with it, start a boycott or stop complaining.

2.    It’s the internet, stupid. It doesn’t forget your BLA.

I don’t know who said that sentence first. But if you’re born after 1980 in the western world, chances are that the internet knows you. Consider the fact that NOTHING can really be deleted from it ever again before you create a profile on a social network. When you have decided who you wanna be online: start sharing. And sharing. And communicating, because it’s all about “connecting you with the people around you”.

3.    Your profile. Simple as that.

You know what the funny thing about all those morons you went to school with is? They look oh-so-cool on their profile pic. So please, choose photographs that make you look good and that were recently taken. Don’t photoshop yourself into Megan Fox. A picture to recognize you in case I would like to be your friend (which I don’t want to be) is all it takes. Boring pictures are:

-       you in NYC (when everybody knows that this vacation was the only time you EVER left your hometown)

-       you and your same-sex best friend (nobody will know which one you are, if they don’t know you)

-       you and your boyfriend (That’s just me, being single and hating couple-y stuff. I heard there are people who hate baby pictures, too.)

4.    Your activities

a. status updates & comments: It’s a social network – not your bedroom.

I’m not interested in your breakfast, where you ate lunch or that you’re drinking wine at home all by yourself. I mean, I pity you, but still: not interested. Start reading blogs or take up a real hobby. But please don’t bore me with the boring details of your boring life.

b. grammar & spelling: Spare me the pain and google before you update. (Part I: English)

I don’t know why grammar and spelling are so underrated. Seriously, if English isn’t your first language and you don’t speak it fluently: start checking the grammar on your status updates before you publish them. Let a friend double-check it. Google the spelling. Whatever. Your misuse of language just creates a foolish picture of you for me – even though I know about your PHD from Harvard.

c. grammar & spelling: Spare me the pain and google before you update. (Part II: German)

If you do put up status updates in your mother tongue, chances are pretty high you know the grammar. The spelling – not so much. Unless you finished High School with top grades in your written exams, please start checking the spelling of words that are easily confused. Some German examples for that:

-       seid / seit

-       dass /das

-       als / wie

-       and more on http://michael.stapelberg.de/Artikel/Haeufige_Rechtschreibfehler

These mistakes create an image of you that’s even worse since you’re a native speaker (unless, of course, you have a reading and spelling handicap).

Misspelling for fun, puns and typos is normal. In digestible amounts.

d. comments – Don’t piss on my wall.

If you don’t agree with what I write, and if I didn’t write total nonsense, and you DO want to communicate your disagreement: send me a message. Don’t start a fight on my wall, it’s impolite. You wouldn’t want your crush to see you fighting  with some boring person out of your list of friends.

Write sexual and ironic comments only if you’re 100% positive that the person you’re writing to has the same kind of humor.

e. games – Growing your farm as quietly as possible.

Nobody is interested in how many sheep you fed, mafia wars you won or quiz you’ve taken. I get the fact, that, if you’re bored, you play games. Even though I have never found computer games entertaining at all, I’m fine with you farming. As long as you’re not asking for farming help in my news feed. As soon as you do that the first time, I will delete you from the news feed. No kidding here.

Here’s how you could waste your time in a more creative and entertaining way: start stalking your college sweetheart. Change your profile pic twice a day. Write funny status updates. Comment on interesting status updates or pictures. Stop farming. And PLEASE:

Don’t invite me to any of those games!

f. pictures & videos – Katy Perry’s played on the radio 20 times a day. Don’t invade the news feed as well.

Videos and Music add-ons are a great feature on Facebook. As long as the music you share is

a)    interesting

b)   new

c)    classic

d)   or really, really meaningful to you.

I’m not interested in this month’s charts. If I were, I would simply google them.

5.    Your friends

a. It’s MY FREAKING DATA and NOT yours to share!

What’s so difficult to understand about Facebook is that if you synchronize it with your cell phone, it will search ALL of your contacts and therefore have ALL the phone numbers and addresses and every single bit of other information you stored there. It’s like the Death Star of private information.

Think twice, even if it’s only before you click “accept” to start using the search function for friends. As soon as you have 10 friends, you’ll get tons of suggestions anyway.

b. Be polite and ADD ME AS A FRIEND.

If you saw me on the street, and we neither were friends on Facebook nor had we seen each other in years: would you say hi, even though you never really liked me? If our relationship has not been poisoned by some event in the past and if your mamma has taught you a bit of decency, you probably would nod, at least.

So if this „saying hi“ applies to Facebook and one of us wants to add the other as a friend: you accept. Because that’s the right thing to do.

On the other hand, if you’re invite isn’t accepted the first THREE times around, stop inviting and stop complaining. The person you’re dealing with is probably a) not very polite and b) doesn’t know how to use Facebook and to manage lists.

You choose what to show me: Do you want small talk or you wanna go right ahead and fill me in on everything that happened since we last spoke? Do you not want to hear from me ever again?

i.     Smalltalk

Just create lists to organize your friends. Name one “work“ and block the whole list from seeing the pictures you’re tagged in (e.g. those of Saturday night). This way you avoid de-friending and your colleagues won’t have to see you stripping in a karaoke bar.

ii.     A couple of drinks.

So let’s talk about writing messages. I hope you thought of that before writing your whole lifestory on my wall, didn’t you? Think again and send me a message next time, because I’m not interested in telling your 354 friends how my studies have been and why I cancelled our date earlier.

iii.     Never hear from me again.

Seriously? Seriously? Seriously?

Think about it. Think about the fact that I would KNOW that you never want to hear from me again. Imagine bumping into me on a party, on the street or while grocery shopping. Then think about annulling our „friendship“.

It’s easier to just block me.

(This doesn’t apply if I’m your Ex. But even in this case: Consider blocking me first, because this way you could still stalk me whenever you want to.)

Now go out on the playground, that is Facebook, and have fun, kids.

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